"Live" Blogging Hollywood 4 Haiti: Making Fun Of The Best Of Hollywood During The Worst Of Times.

Here's the thing: I find it admirable that celebrities want to help, but these telethons usually come across as just another excuse for Hollywood to pat itself on its back. For instance, don't make it out to be some amazing shit that Julia Roberts cares enough to answer a phone and talk to someone who makes less than $30M a year.

Frankly, what's even more pathetic than that is I'm investing 2 hours to blog a telethon that's already over. Still, this is way less embarrassing than what I want to be doing, which is reading "Twilight: Breaking Dawn".


10:00PM: Hey shitbags, if I donated, so can you.

9:58PM: I may not be a fan for unspecified reasons, but I have to say, way to end it right, Wyclef.

9:50PM: Dave Matthews vs. Neil Young: Battle of the Indecipherable!

9:43PM: Tom Hanks has some kind of magical power that makes you want to become a better person. (Note: So does Rita Wilson. I wonder if they travel around LA via unicorn.)

9:40PM: Brad Pitt is talking from Los Angeles. Jennifer Aniston is answering phones from Los Angeles. OMG, they are, like, sooooo back together!

9:31PM: Only in Los Angeles could your big break come from a telethon. Way to score, Matt Morris.

9:20PM: Here's the fantastic news: Madonna, "Like a Prayer". Here's the bad news: She really, really, really fucked her face up.

9:17PM: The Clintons honeymooned in Haiti 35 years ago ("The More You Know"...cue NBC music).

9:12PM: I can't tell you how much I hate myself for saying this, but Kid Rock may sound like he swallowed a fist full of pebbles, but still, not terrible.

9:10PM: Hey, Morgan Freeman! Why aren't you narrating this entire thing?

9:05PM: Why is Beyonce channeling Crystal Gayle?

9:03PM: Um, who else is desperate to rub Eastwood's seemingly Beaker-like hair?

9:02PM: Sting hopes to raise $ by having tantric sex with his guitar.

9:00PM: Hot vampire alert!

8:58PM: My bad, it gets worse. Anderson Guns proceeds to INTERVIEW the girl seconds after she's pulled from the rubble.

8:57: Anderson Guns says there's a 15 year old girl buried alive behind him. Luckily he goes to help...and brings his entire camera crew with him.

8:55PM: Julia Roberts loses perspective.

8:52PM: Good for you Christina Aguilera for finally wearing appropriate, less transvestite-y makeup. Though, you could be wearing clown makeup, because who cares when you have pipes like that.

8:50PM: Does anyone else find it hilarious that they gave botoxed kewpie doll, Nicole Kidman the line, "Don't be afraid of death"?

8:45PM: I dare you to find something unlikeable about Taylor Swift. Especially since she's no longer with that Bella-stealer, Jacob Black.

8:41PM: Why is Samuel L. Jackson wearing my MeeMaw's cardigan?

8:35PM: For some reason, Jon Stewart is the only one who makes this telethon seem less like Hollywood patting itself on its back.

8:32PM: John Legend, you are a tall drink of adorable, sir.

8:27PM: Oh dear god. They have audio of stars answering phones: "Hi, it's Reese Witherspoon!"

8:20PM: Good for you, Stevie Wonder. You sound way better than you did during the last fundraiser you participated in: The Michael Jackson Memorial Fund to Further Bankrupt California.

8:17PM: Dear Leonardo DiCaprio, you may have donated $1M, but I still haven't forgiven you for "Titanic".

8:16PM: Anderson "Guns" Cooper continues to depress the hell out of us. Minus the guns.

8:15PM Anderson Cooper, put away your guns. If that t-shirt gets any tighter, everyone will see your nipples shooting rainbows over the world.

8:14PM: Famous stars answering phones! Whoops, there's Mel Gibson! Let's hope the person he's talking to isn't a Jew!

8:11PM: It's not a proper telethon until Bruce Springsteen sings with a choir. FYI: More money would have been raised had Snooki and The Situation been singing back-up.

8:10PM: P.S., Halle, you really are very pretty.

8:09PM: Really, Halle Berry? Are leather pants appropriate for a fundraiser? Really? Why don't you just get out your bedazzler and stud those pants with diamonds.

8:03PM: Clooney, by all accounts, you're a highly likable, very nice guy. But would it kill you to sometimes get over your fucking self?

8:00PM: Alicia Keys can open her mouth wider than a carp.