Live Blogging From 35,000 Feet.

Quick, send help, I'm trapped in a aluminum tube for the next 4 hours. On the plus side, free wifi!

My red eye thus far has been...clown-jumping-out-of-a-closet-with-a-machete terrifying. L.A. was experiencing some high wind gusts upon take-off which led to some dicey moments. As I sat there quietly gasping and whimpering and wondering if the plane rolling from side-to-side on the runway would get enough lift to make it into the air, the dickface 3 year old in front of me was screaming, "Weeeee! This is fun!" Had I not thought I was going to die, I would've wished for death.

A minute after "wheels up", a term I learned from my obsessive watching of "West Wing" on Bravo, the captain came on and said, "The tower just informed us that our climb is going to be real bumpy. Please buckle those belts tight. Flight attendants, keep your seats until further notice. Now, don't worry too much about it folks, we'll try to keep our speed right on the money to climb as fast as possible."

Holy fucking full-blown panic attack, Captain.

"Don't worry too much? We'll try to keep our speed right on the money?"

Look, in my mind, you have one job and that's to deliver the goods alive within 6 hours or less. You don't try, you do. And I don't care if you're on fire in the cockpit, Captain. You will tell the cabin that everything is fine, we should not worry at all, and the fact that you have to have skin a graft on your penis is no big deal and this is just another Tuesday.

Now, I can't be certain what I looked like or how I acted for the first 50 minutes of hell ride, but the lovely guy next to me said, "Hey, you OK?"

My internal monologue screamed "OH MY GOD WE ARE ALL GOING DOWN AND THE CAPTAIN IS ON FIRE!", but I pulled it together, kind of laughed and said I was fine but I didn't like flying.

His response? "Me too, and I'm in the Air Force."

Not the comforting answer I was looking for. Because I think I can assume he knows a lot more about flying than I do, and if he's scared, then there's going to be a freaking Prongs-shaped hole on the side of this plane soon.

To alleviate my fears, I went to MSNBC.com. What's the first thing I see? "American Airlines Flight Overshoots Runway"

Next.

Now, 2+ hours in, things have settled down. Mostly due to the fact that I'm drinking and watching a "Roseanne" marathon on tv.

Whoops, spoke too soon.

It seems we're running an obstacle course at 35,000 feet. Or perhaps trying to evade a flying octopus. This tin foil beast is all over the place. I'd ask the Air Force to send help but apparently "this is shit they've never seen." And I don't want to know the answer as to how that is even remotely possible.

By the way, ever try to write about someone who's sitting next to you? He's reading this right now. Have I mentioned he's very attractive and we're all lucky to be in his presence?

He just smiled.

The fact that he can even read this is crazy, because I have the typeface so small, that I can barely read it with my nose to the screen. Did the AF fit him with robotic eyes?

Notice how I type "AF" to throw him off the scent.

He read that too.

I think we're now all in agreement that this must end.