UPDATE: My mistake. They're all assholes.
Perhaps you've heard of Falcon, the Balloon Boy? That annoying, rambunctious six-year-old who made everyone believe that he was flying through the clouds in a contraption made of tin-foil and plywood and kept aloft by an invisible panting unicorn?
He had the entire world sitting on the edge of their seats, praying for his safe return to the loving arms of his famewhore-y family comprised of Mr. Wizards and Wife Swappers. The cable news channels went crazy. Bruce Springsteen started writing a ballad called "Falcon Took Flight". Everyone wondered why this six-year-old boy with a normal sense of curiosity would just jump into a conveniently located, giant silver floaty thing – an alleged safe harbor for puppies and candy –and take to the skies. It made no sense!
The National Guard acted immediately. Denver Airport was closed. The FAA immediately began tracking "The Falcon". Helicopters swarmed the area. Anderson Cooper packed his Pradas and prepared to head west. But finally, in the vein of the great Capt. "Sully" Sullenberger, that giant unicorn-powered balloon made a miraculous soft landing.
Thank God. Obama could now tuck away that hastily written eulogy and save it for another day that will surely involve the Gosselins.
But as emergency personnel raced to the site, they discovered that Falcon was nowhere to be found. Immediate horror gripped the cable networks, much to their twitchy delight. Did the 6-year-old fall out? When? Where? From how high a height? Could this magical child survive a fall from 7,000 feet? Well, he did somehow figure out how to hijack a balloon by untying a bow, so yes, anything was possible!
People searched for hours. And when there was little hope left for finding this young Emilio Earhart, he was discovered! Safe!
Hiding in the attic above his garage.
That's right, that little inconsiderate piss-ant cost the state millions and he made the world care about a not-so engaging story. But worse, he ruined a perfectly good balloon comprised of tin foil and plywood.
What an asshole.
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