And They Lived Happily Ever After.

Perhaps you remember my arch-nemesis, Morgan Freeman. Well it seems he has too much time on his hands, maybe he's not doing enough acting-narrating. You see, Morgan Freeman decided he wants to marry his granddaughter. Sorry, step-granddaughter. As if that distinction makes this situation any less Woody Allen-ish.

Try to follow along: Apparently Morgan Freeman, who is in the midst of divorcing his current wife, Myrna Colley-Lee, has been romantically linked to his 27-year-old granddaughter for over a decade. However, the girlfriend-granddaughter is actually the granddaughter of Morgan Freeman's first wife, Jeanette Adair Bradshaw. And during that marriage, Morgan Freeman adopted the girlfriend-granddaughter's mother, Jeanette Adair Bradshaw's biological daughter, thus making Morgan Freeman's current girlfriend/soon-to-be fiance his step-granddaughter.

Go ahead, try to narrate that, Morgan Freeman. Even you can't talk yourself out of this debacle-of-a-creepy story.

"That'll do, pig. That'll do."

Why did I not see that coming.

"She did, and she was secretly delighted."

Listen Morgan Freeman, despite your annoying habit of narrating everything under the sun –

"Even as she typed it, she immediately knew that choosing such an overused idiom was a mistake. As a writer, she thought even typing such a thing was beneath her. It was not."

Goddamn it, Morgan Freeman.

"She'd never admit it, but each night she went to bed dreaming that one day she'd become the next David Sedaris. Of course, by the next morning, she realized she'd always just be the Odie in a world of Garfields."

Wait, what?

"She began thinking about Garfield. She loved that crazy cat ever since she was five years old. She spent hours, her pudgy fingers turning page after page, giggling over their shared love of lasagna. That day when she finally realized that Garfield couldn't actually speak, well something shifted, and some say –"

Some?

"...that's the day her childhood ended. She was twenty-two."

Oh Christ, here we go again.

"Despite the fact that yes, she did think I narrated too often, she still liked me. There was something about me, something she found comforting. She hated to admit it, but I reminded her of her grandfather–in the best way possible."

True. My sister and I actually call you "Black Paw".

"She panicked a moment and wondered if that was racist. Or better, just racist enough to be funny...? It was neither."

I hate you, Morgan Freeman.

"As she said it, even she was unconvinced. She had missed me. Her blog hadn't been the same. She needed me."

What, like your granddaughter needs you as her husband? You've known her since she was seven, for Christ's sake. It's creepy.

"But, she's not seven anymore, she thought. She hated herself for thinking it, but she suspected people have better things to do with their time than spend it thinking about me. She, of course, was not one of them."

Jesus Christ.

"Besides, the mere mention of creepy instantly reminded her of the crush she had on her high school English teacher..."

Please don't do this.

"He looked like Magnum P.I., only more attainable. Not for her, of course, but for his wife, who he was unfortunately happily married to. "

She didn't deserve him. And besides, that was just a high school crush. It's not like I started dating my grandmother's new husband –

"Tried as she might to not think about it, she couldn't help wondering what kind of man her grandmother could bag. Someone like Olivier Martinez, certainly. But less French. Yes, her MeeMaw would never go for someone who wasn't Italian."

Do you do this to anyone else?

"She mentally crossed her fingers and mouthed 'please say no.'

I don't care what you say, and I think there's something wrong about dating your own granddaughter.

"She did care, and was there? Who was she to judge, she thought. Besides Garfield, the only person she ever loved was Superman, and even she could concede that loving fictional felines and aliens named Kal-El was way weirder than anything I could ever attempt to do."

You boned your granddaughter when she was only 17. That's statutory rape, brothah!

"As much as she wished she could, she could not pull off saying neither 'boned' nor 'brothah', and she knew it. She was embarrassed, and she could only hope it would go unnoticed even though she knew it would not. Her humiliating moments rarely did, which was cruel considering 95% of the time, she was invisible to the world."

What the hell are you talking about, Morgan Freeman? Look, let's say you do marry your girlfriend-granddaughter. That would make your adopted daughter your mother-in-law; and if you should have children with your girlfriend-granddaughter, your ex-wife will become your children's great-grandmother. Talk about awkward family reunions.

"Oh, how she loved hearing about awkward family reunions. They made her feel uncharacteristically warm and fuzzy, and she only hoped she'd be able to hear about mine. But thinking about my re-configured family tree left her feeling frustrated more than anything else. By the time she finished typing the sentence, she was so confused that she found herself no longer caring about my situation; and she had already started to look around for something to eat. Lasagna sounded good."

I still hate you, Morgan Freeman.

"She still loved me..."

Jesus Christ.

"...but what really annoyed her is she realized that somehow I had managed to expertly dance around every pressing question she wanted answered."

Goddamn it, no, it can't be.

"Yes, it can indeed, be –"

Who talks like this.

"...and just like that, she realized that I could, in fact, narrate my way out of this."