Elaine Hates Coop.

Oh, Bradley Cooper. Don't you know first impressions count? You can't walk out for your first Conan Tonight Show interview wearing what looks like to be the remnants of some 17-year-old slut's refashioned silver taffeta prom dress, and think you're going to get away with it. Sitting next to Julia Louis-Dreyfus, you looked like a giant coked up Christmas tree ornament from the home of a Real Housewife, Jersey-style.

Coop and his taffeta camel toe.

Listen, I liked you in Wedding Crashers because you were the consummate douche. As it turns out, you may not have been acting. And if that's the case, good for you, because playing your part in The Hangover must have been a breeze. Last night you were smarmy. Worse, you were trying too hard to be smarmy. Anyone who will admit that, since the age of 5, he's been trying in vain to get people to call him "Coop" is sad. Sad in a way that you kind of remind me of this guy who clearly just wants to be part of the cool crowd:

Everyone knows beloved nicknames can't be forced. They have to happen naturally, and come from a place that evokes a person's inherent character. And referring to yourself in the third person in hopes that your nickname catches on just comes off as annoying and pathetic. I can't tell you how much Prongs abhors people like this.

Thankfully, I had the liberty of changing the channel at anytime to switch over to something more appealing like...Mrs. Doubtfire. By the way, have I mentioned that Prongs' favorite movie genre is men dressed in drag? I dare you to find funnier movies than Tootsie, The Birdcage, and Mrs. Doubtfire. Hey Bradley Cooper, just a thought, but maybe if you dressed in drag I'd like you more. (Silver taffeta doesn't count!) Anyway, I can't imagine what it must have been like to have to sit next to you while you spouted off about being the world's greatest ladies man. And luckily, I didn't have to because Julia Louis-Dreyfus was not shy in showing her complete disdain for you and your tin foil suit.

Actually, that's doing it a disservice: Julia Louis-Dreyfus just flat out fucking hates you. Elaine was having none of it. You were gettin' no love from that lady, Bradley Cooper. And while that may be the most annoying sentence written since any line from Sex and the City, it speaks the truth. The fact that she seemed visibly disgusted by you delighted me to no end. (Although not as much as Eugenia Doubtfire.)