After 17 Years, An Upgrade.

I hate Jay Leno. Like, I hate him an almost inappropriate amount. And for the last 17 years, we've put up with his Tonight Show brand (bland?) that some dub "gentle comedy". Big mistake. Grouping Leno under the gentle comedy umbrella is like a slap in the face to the way funnier, and more adorable likes of Ziggy.

But your comedy's not!

Please, nobody messes with Ziggy. Come on, put Leno and Ziggy in the same room– who would you rather spend the day picking daisies with? (Why isn't Prongs option 'C'?) Even saying "Ziggy" is way funnier. And I defy you to say his name without adding an exclamation point.

Jesus Christ, I love Ziggy(!).

Anyway, I was happy to see Leno go; his last monologue could not come soon enough. And just as I predicted, even that sucked. You would think that he'd want to do it up. Go out with a bang. Instead, he decided to thank those who gave him so much material over the years–Michael Jackson, Bill Clinton, and Monica Lewinsky. Way to date yourself, Leno. Even in 1998, Clinton/Lewinsky jokes weren't funny.

My god, I hate Leno.

And then last night, after five ridiculous years in the making, Conan began his Tonight Show reign. Now, I'm a big fan of Conan, but I didn't have high expectations. Good thing, too. The monologue was painful; even Conan knew it was painful. And Andy Richter and Conan need some time getting reacquainted again, because their banter was forced and awkward. What was up with all the shots of Andy giving us the thumbs up and saying nonsensical things? If Richter is going to be that all up in my mug, then he better bring the funny.

First guest, Will Ferrell, was fine.* I say "fine," because I really can't bring myself to criticize Will Ferrell–ever. However, that does not stop me from criticizing his sure-to-be fucking debacle of a movie, Land of the Lost. Just watching the 30 second clip made me pine for 30 seconds of whiny Leno.

I won't even comment on Pearl Jam. Except to say that unlike Leno, they should go back to the early 90s, listen to their first album, and then get back to me when they have some decent music to play. Until then, Eddie Vedder should stick to imitating Neil Young, dancing like a potted plant, and singing in his own shower. (Would you like an audience?)

The show wasn't all negative though. I did like the taped bit involving Conan leading the tour on the Universal tram. I'm embarrassed to admit that watching a tram chase itself in a circle, while Conan incites all 175 tourists to chant, "Circle! Circle! Circle!" made me laugh out loud. (Note to Leno: That's how you make stupid funny.)




In any event, it was a so-so debut. Big deal. Had Conan sat silently at his desk, counting his millions of dollars for an hour, it still would have been an upgrade.

*I'm going to go ahead and assume The Chuck was busy.