Once Upon A Time.

Morgan Freeman, I wonder, is it possible to do something without narrating it? Don't get me wrong, I'm a big fan, but do you even know how many films you've lent your voice to?

"She angrily typed the question and mentally began counting every movie in which I star and narrate. The number made her oddly furious..."

Stop that. This is my blog –

"She became increasingly frustrated. She was correct; this was her blog. And she secretly got a little satisfaction from the admission."

I did not.

"She immediately began thinking of situations that would make narration unnecessary. Little did she realize that I could make narration necessary in any situation..."

No, you can't. And stop that. Don't you have Wanted to promote?

"Just the mere mention of the film Wanted made her fume. There was no denying it – she hated Angelina Jolie and her whole holier-than-thou facade. She was tired of hearing her talk about 'mommy and daddy time'. She was annoyed every time the Jolie-Pitt team announced that the two were donating more money, because she wondered why they could never do so anonymously. And she despised the inevitable statement released by Jolie urging others to donate as well..."

Please stop.

"...Well, she would show her. She decided that she would follow suit and donate money. And with that money, she would buy an entire third world country. And as owner, not only would she ban Jolie from adopting any of her citizens, but also she would be denied the luxury of window shopping for her next Zahara or Pax in hopes of changing yet another 3-year-old's name. The thought brought a smug satisfaction, and she smiled. But her satisfaction was short lived, because what really incensed her was she knew that Wanted would make a ridiculous amount of money this weekend. She had to admit, Jolie was a decent actress. Good, even. But Academy Award or not, she refused to bestow greatness upon her..."

Do I need to be here for this.

"She knew she did not. She knew that I could narrate anything, anytime, anywhere."

Goddamn it, Freeman.

"She hated to admit it, but she loved hearing my soothing voice. My voice carried gravitas and conveyed feeling. My voice could make even the shittiest of movies seem Oscar-worthy. She secretly hoped I could do the same for her blog."

Shit. Fine. It's true. Whatever.

"But, she knew I could not. She knew that this dribble was too retarded, even for me."

I hate you, Morgan Freeman.

"She loved me..."

Jesus Christ.

"...but she knew she had to let me go."

What? I didn't invite you to do this.

"She knew she needed a voice less respected and revered. That would make more sense. She wondered if Rob Schneider was available."

Are we done here.

"She knew she had to stop typing in order to get me to –